Thursday, April 14, 2005

This is God

I was poking around Guess the Dictator or Sit-Com Character (via Geraldine). In this game, you answer a series of questions, then the computer guesses who you are, whether you be dictator or sit-com character. I was the fourth person to be Professor Frink, and added Dexter from Dexter's Lab and Arthur from The Tick to the database. These cartoons are not exactly sitcoms but neither is The Powerpuff Girls, which the computer nailed me on pretty fast.

The very funny thing is that the computer runs out of questions to ask after a while; it eliminates candidates down to one, then guesses that one. Somehow, I answered a series of questions for Dexter that led me to Eric Forman from That 70's Show. I had no idea they were so alike! It asked me for a question to differentiate them, i.e., to lead to Dexter and away from Eric Forman. So I submitted: "Do you have your own laboratory?"

Try it, it's fun. Reminds me a little of The Oracle of Bacon. Not the same at all, but if you enjoy either you'd probably enjoy the other. That, and they both seem kind of like massive graph traversals.

Anyway, there was also this thing. It is a mail anonymizer. You type a message to send to a random person you will never see in line after you, and then receive a message from the random person in line before you. Probably old hat to you, but funny to me.

After I was done, I pressed the send button and got this:

My darling Jim,
I am writing you now rather than call you, just to reinforce my commitment to you. I wanted to put down in words what I always mean to say about how much love you bring into my life. And yet you already know how special I think you are. And how lucky I know I am!
When I think of you, my heart fills with joy and excitement…but also with peace and comfort. My heart is already complete, so my only concern is for yours. Have confidence in me, in us, and never doubt our love. You have my sworn assurance that your happiness and well-being is all I truly care about. How I've grown through you!
These are the feelings I have every day and never want to you to forget. I just wanted you to see these words and hold them in your hands. As for the next time we hold hands, please understand that I can never tell you often enough how much you mean to me, but I'm committed to trying. I promise to be more expressive of my love for you. I wish I could write you every day, since our love seems to grow more powerful all the time.
Please save my love letters to read whenever we can't be together, just as I recall your smile whenever I'm missing you.
Trust in me that I will always keep your heart safe.
With greatest love,

I don't think this is a real message by any means, but it kind of pretends to be. It reminds me of those "Message in a Bottle" kinds of gushy romance novels. Somehow this didn't set my heartstrings a-quivering. It is mildly interesting and voyeuristic, and its use of an electronic medium to send a message that should be delivered on perfumed stationery with little pink bunnies frolicking around the borders is a little on the absurd and inappropriate side, which is really what this thing is about anyway.

But "I wish I could write you every day"? Finish that sentence. "I wish I could write you every day, but unfortunately the terrorists do not provide me with the ink." "I wish I could write you every day, but I don't know enough synonyms for 'our love'." "I wish I could write you every day, but your name is just Jim."

I had felt obligated to the anonymous internet message genre to do a little better. You be the judge:
This is God. Why oh why don't more people listen to me? Is it my breath? My strange way of speaking? My inappropriate choice of forum? Anyways, I have a number of instructions that should be followed extremely carefully:


No comments: